You must think you’re some hot shit. We know what you’ve been telling yourself, “I’m a career woman, and I have to put my needs first.” Well, we’ve had enough.

John McClane is a stand-up guy. You should start treating him with some respect! Do you think you’re going to find another guy who will put his own life on the line to save you from terrorists? Doubtful. And it’s guaranteed, you will not find a guy who is willing to do it twice.

You’re terror-prone, sister.

For some women, this would be a non-issue. For the general population, the risk of getting attacked by terrorists is less than that of getting hit by lightning. But you seem to attract these attacks. You’re terror-prone, sister. So what you need is a guy who can get the job done when it comes to terrorists.

But wait, what’s this… you’re already married to a New York City Police Detective Lieutenant? No way! And you say he’s saved millions of people from death and destruction? He’s single-handedly taken down madmen in helicopters? He’s out-maneuvered the trained, military pilot of an F35? He’s shot himself, to shoot a terrorist, to save your daughter? He’s walked barefoot on broken glass, for you, and you want a divorce?

Sorry, but are you a beauty queen?

Then perhaps you’re heir to some type of fortune? Well, you must have something going for you, to think you’re so great that you don’t need to put up with a little inconvenience from a guy who has saved your dumb ass on two separate occasions.

Are you going to bring up this whole NYC/LA thing again? Because, if you’ll recall, it was your decision to move to L.A., knowing that John was a dedicated New Yorker. He’s supposed to drop his whole career and prove himself in a new department in a city he doesn’t know? But he gave it a shot, didn’t he? He moved to L.A., changed departments, he made a go of it. But it all fell through. And whose fault was that?

You’re a selfish bitch.

To tell you the truth, we don’t know all the facts about what went on between you two. All we know is, John’s willing to put in the effort, and you’re a selfish bitch.

Straighten up quick, or John might just give up on your dumb ass.

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Tags: Die Hard, John McClane

One man (or woman) (or small team of mixed gender, race and backgrounds) puts their life (or lives) on the line to save the whole planet, galaxy or in some cases, the universe.

Armageddon

Who are you going to call when there’s a giant asteroid hurtling through space towards Earth? Bruce Willis! Bruce shows that asteroid who’s boss with some unlikely help from his motley crew of roughnecks. Not only does he save the world with style, but he does it to a bitchin’ soundtrack by Aerosmith.

The Abyss (Extended Version)

Ed Harris must have been livid when he found out they’d edited the last scenes of the film, demoting him from planetary savior to mere everyone-at-the-bottom-of-the-ocean savior.

Star Wars (Various Episodes)

We’ve seen it a million times: maniacal Sith lord has his finger hovering over the big red button on a fully functional battle station, and directly down the barrel of the laser canon is an innocent planet populated by cute fuzzy muppets and a few rebels. Who’s gonna stop him? Somebody with a light saber! Risking life (and quite often limb) these fearless Jedi repeatedly put it all on the line to protect a planet from being lased.

Men In Black (and MIB2)

The special effects are pretty good. We don’t think anyone goes into a Will Smith / Tommy Lee Jones film thinking “Oscar.” Everyone knows these films are dumb, so there’s no need to badmouth them here. The point is, these guys save the world, usually several times in each film. That’s movie innovation. Also, look for David Cross in both films, playing one character with two very different jobs.

Moonraker / The Spy Who Loved Me

The same film really, where James Bond saves the planet from a man bent on ending life on earth and starting it again, with a select group of people stowed away on a self-sustaining space station or sea lab, respectively.

Independence Day (ID4)

Oh look, Will Smith is back. And this time, Jeff Goldblum is helping out. Because, boy, that Goldblum is a leading man you can get behind. Actually, we think he might have saved the world in Vibes also. Sorry for putting in that link; don’t watch that film. So, ID4. The most remarkable thing about this title is the geographical inaccuracy. Get a map, and mark the Grand Canyon and Area 51. Lovely walk in July’s Nevada sun.

The Fifth Element

Lus Besson directing Bruce Willis (again!) and Milla Jovovich decked out in Gaultier. Need we say more? Watch it! If you can rip your eyes from a scantily clad Milla Jovovich, you’re in for a treat. Not only is Luc Besson’s vision of the future totally sweet, but we get to see flying cars in super-tall NYC. The unique thing about this film is that Bruce and Milla save the entire universe.

Die Hard 4, Live Free or Die Hard

Did someone say “Bruce Willis?” In the past, John McClane hasn’t saved the whole world in his efforts to prevent crimes. But in this film, the villain wanted to cause so much trouble, that one might argue that it was in fact, saving the entire world… from economic destruction. Okay, technically it’s mostly just America that’s getting shut down. But here in the US, that’s all that matters.