As submitted by Top Ten Jesus
With just 7 years left, can we achieve this lofty vision for the future?
In the film Back to the Future Part II, Marty McFly and Doc Brown (and Jennifer) travel 30 years into the future to see Hill Valley, California as it would be in the year 2015. The year we currently live in… is 2007. The film makes some bold predictions. We have just 7 years to meet them.
The good news is, we don’t have to cure world hunger, unite the world in peace and harmony, or even motivate a visit from interstellar travelers. We just need a few new toys. Flying this, self-lacing that, a few Jaws films and a baseball bat.
This is your wakeup call, world. We have seven years to pull it off, and we need everyone to pull together if we’re going to live up to this Zemeckian vision of the future.
Get to work on some Jaws sequels. We need to get to 19, so we’re off to an okay start. Still, you’ll need to release another sequel every six and a half months so, you’d better get cracking.
Hoverboards? We can settle for the little pink one. It doesn’t need to be able to fly over water, but if it could support a little kid, that would be enough. C’mon, how hard could it be?
We’ve all had enough of this hybrid crap by now. How about some flying cars already? I’m really not sure how you’re gonna pull it off, but we can tell you it has something to do with glowing hubcaps. Better get some scientists on that one.
Let’s face it, you guys have had it easy. In the last 50 years, the big innovation in outdoor ads has been vinyl. Well, we’re gonna have to ask you to ramp it up a bit. We need holograms that leap out of the board and attempt to eat people.
Age faster. You’ve packed on a few pounds, but where is the grey hair and poor posture? Do you even need the cane yet? Look into it, that gold fist cane is pretty hot. After 2015, you could dye your hair black and get work as a pimp.
When are our shoes gonna start lacing themselves? It’s the 21st century for crying out loud! People need some advanced kicks, right now. The shoe industry hasn’t come out with squat since The Reebok Pump. You had better get your act together by 2010, or we’re putting in calls to Puma and Adidas.
We’re going to need to see some telescopic baseball bats. There’s no apparent sporting advantage, but it makes for a good concealed weapon.
Black & Decker:
Yeah, about this food rehydrator… after a few brief consumer surveys, we’ve decided you do not need to bother with this “innovation.” Since the 80s, there’s been something of a revolution in home cooking. People buy organic, they visit farmer’s markets, and they want things fresh. Rehydrated? No thanks. So, if you’ve started development on this product, stop. If you completely forgot about your futuristic product placement, go ahead and keep it that way. Maybe you could give Mattel a hand with that Hoverboard?
“Fruit, fruit please…”
It’s the simplest product in the movie, so that’s probably why we’re so close to having it. The AeroGarden is a small, futuristic garden you can keep in your kitchen. You’ll always have lettuce on the ready! Of course, in Back to the Future Part II, the thing makes grapes… but hey, we’ve got seven years!
Let’s get crackin’. A few other little items aside, we at Critical Oversight think these small innovations, when achieved, could constitute “Back to the Future Part II Compliance.”